So I’ve had a site for a little while and just logging onto this gave me more reason to stay strong and stay sober. The posts I’ve made and published were bad enough, but the things in my drafts were just horrifying. No matter how you feel you come accross when you have had alcohol, how well prosed you think you are, how righteous and and justifably angry, you are not.
I always wanted to write, I thought not only would it be cathartic, people would enjoy some of my sarcasm or dark humour. But when you’re an alcoholic theres never the time to write sober. If you want to write, you may as well do it with a glass of wine, a bottle of wine, a few spirits to wrap it up. That’s what you see on TV anyway, its suave and sophisticated to write with a wine glass and cigarette in hand. It would just feel like work to do it sober.
The problem with that is as you read it sober, you can see the effects of alcohol setting in. The initial few paragraphs with wit and charm, with a point, but slowly it unravels and what you believe is “just being honest” is just unecessarily dark, self pitying, and not really sensical. I’d never really read this. When I’d re-read it before I’d nod along, it’d reaffirm it to me how shit my life was, why I should be sad… Because if I ever wanted to do something creative it was almost always after the initial first bottle.
Sadly, that was across the board. Drawing, writing, painting, singing, housework, selfcare… Everything was associated with alcohol. And it wasn’t a case of I would start painting and then pour a glass, I would wait until I was drunk to start my planned activity. The planned activity was the drinking, the other stuff was just to fill the time so i felt that I had achieved something alonside sitting lstening to music, dwelling on my feelings and necking enough alcohol til I blacked out. These activities, I thought, meant that I could still function through my alcoholism. See, I still have hobbies other than drinking! Its just more fun WITH drink, so why wouldn’t I?
Because, surprisingly, I’m fucking shit at everything when I’m leathered.
I caused enough problems than enough pulling off this kind of shit when I was drunk. I could publically embarass myself, posting long winding posts on social media thinking I was being deep and basically a blogger, just on Facebook… no one would know I was drunk because I spelt everthing right… yeah yeah.
I could make such a mess with paints, I’ve ruined clothes, furniture, walls, floors, I’ve gotten it in every place you can imagine. I would still wake up in the morning and self-talk that it was fine because “I had so much fun, I did my hobby”… Let me tell you, theres not been one salvagable painting I’ve done when I’ve had a few.
Housework was a mundane list of chores that was a must for wine, and there was so much of it, how could I possibly cope with it all without a treat?? One of the first things I started to do in my second week of sobriety (first week I gave myself the leeway of it being a shit hole or not, my only focus was NOT TO DRINK) was do my housework on a morning. I knew for a fact that the kitchen, and cleaning, were massive triggers for me and I needed to make sure i was well clear of either in the evening, or even the early afternoon, or even all together. I’ve broken my fair share of hoovers and washing machines, and countless cups, glasses and plates. I haven’t broken a single thing in 3 months, which strangely coincides with my sobreity, who’d have thunk it?
Thats without mentioning the self-care fails, the streaky tan, the hands covered in nail varnish, the cut legs… and worse, the waking up in the bath. When I’m doing it sober I’m less careless now, but it did take a while to try and change my self-talk that I’m not “wasting time”. I have no idea why I think that self-care is wasting time but its pretty damn engrained.
So for now, this is me, I am 3 months sober, and I will be starting to blog with an earl grey and a a few chocolate malted milks to replace my wine and fags. Hopefully I’ll make a little more sense, but just for reference I’ve left an old post (that was actually the least embarassing one… would you believe).
Pendrid xox
Got it nailed, there enough 